Busy and Grateful

 Cheer up, me. Yes you finished those essays on time, and yes they were probably shit. But you did it. Guess what I'm doing again. Only writing another sodding essay, aren't I? But do you see me complaining?

I know it's hard work, and that I'm also writing this to procrastinate but I'll tell you something - it's not half bad here, and the feedback is to help. Not to wear you down as a person. So I am preparing for a few very busy days of rehearsal, writing (fun stuff!) and writing (uni work) and meetings etc. etc. etc., but I am grateful. 

Do you not remember all those days in high school, the long summer break, sixth form, those big wells of time where you begged for something interesting to happen, just to pull you out, shake things up. Well, here you are. It's all happening here. So why scroll on your phone in bed? Why be lazy and introverted all the time? It's a stress and a half to take it all on I know, but the reward is the relief of finishing hard work. And starting it again. 

So finish this ramble, get back to it. And don't complain.

Procrastination

This lazy bastard has had a kick up the arse. I left a piece of coursework too late and now, sitting and attempting to write it, I am filled with dread. 

I had OVER SIX WEEKS TO DO THIS. I have given myself, effectively, THREE DAYS. What on earth is wrong with me? Why did I choose to do other things in my Christmas break? Why did I choose to go to work, see my family and RELAX? Stupid idiot...

I chose not to touch it because I was scared of failing. of getting it wrong, of it not being perfect. I could just see the face of my supervisor reading through the stupid shit that I was churning out and thought, you know what, I'll tackle this when I'm feeling smarter. Unfortunately, I have become progressively stupider over the break until I have fully deteriorated into sheer, sheer thickness. I feel so bloody dense just looking at the reading, how is someone like me supposed to understand this? What's worse, I bet everyone else has already sent theirs in. Bet they're all solid efforts. Mine could have been if I hadn't managed to complete the physical feat of both digging myself into a hole AND shooting myself in the foot. 

What now? I have to write the bastard thing don't I. Write down words that I know are airy-fairy wishy-washy namby-pamby bags of shite. I am saying something for the sake of saying it. To hit what is, to be fair, a very low word count - on a very specific topic that frankly, I have no strong feelings on. 

If I don't come at it swinging with an opinion, it'll be a toothless boring essay, but watch me try to do so and probably end up completely embarrassing myself and getting it all, all wrong. 

Additionally, when I get back I've got mocks I haven't even glanced over anything for. I have done this to myself and vow never to do this again. I shall kill that Jekyll inside me that thinks it's fine to take a break on your break, she's stitched me up now. 

And I'm procrastinating now, by writing this. Right. Off I go.